Welcome back to The Masked Singer, the celebrity talent show even freaky-deakier than the Jacksons’ “Torture” music video from 1984. Every week a costumed mystery contestant reveals his or her true identity, and following the previous unmaskings of Antonio “The Hippo” Brown, Tommy “The Pineapple” Chong, Terry “The Deer” Bradshaw, Margaret “The Poodle” Cho, Tori “The Unicorn” Spelling, and Ricki “The Raven” Lake, this week’s eliminated singer was actually a member of the Jackson family.
No, people, it wasn’t Michael Jackson’s older brother, Tito. Maybe he’ll be on Season 2. (Yes, this show has already been renewed by Fox.) And no, it wasn’t Rebbie Jackson, though I’d love to see her compete next season dressed as — wait for it — a centipede! This week’s out-of-this-world reveal was actually the Alien, La Toya Jackson, looking fabulous and fit at age 62 and sounding sliiiiightly better than she did on her own minor 1984 hit, “Heart Don’t Lie.”
“I really have to truly be honest with all of you. The reason I did this, actually, is because people have a tendency to prejudge you and the way you sing, and they compare you to other people in your family. I just wanted to do it and see how far I’d go,” Jackson told host Nick Cannon and the judges, all of whom were utterly stunned because they clearly hadn’t picked up on La Toya’s previous, obvious clue about her stint on the 2007 VH1 reality show Armed & Famous.
OK, I guess I was the only person who watched that VH1 show. But it seems all of America is obsessed with The Masked Singer. So, let’s take a look at this week’s other five performances, and keep the obsession going.
The Monster, “I Love Rock ‘n Roll”
Previous clues: “Not everyone” considers him a professional singer, but now he is back to “rewrite his mixtape” and prove to his haters that he’s “more than just puff and fluff.” This party-monster is also from the Dirty South and has a fondness for Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Want to Be” — which a certain AutoTune rapper performed in the Yahoo studio in 2005. His physical clue last week was a headset, on which he said he “makes his best calls.” He’s also missing some teeth.
This week’s clues: He said he’s on this show to “share his true voice with the world,” because he “couldn’t have people make him a bad boy for life.” Also, he wears a size 12 shoe.
Judges’ guesses: Lil Jon, Mike Tyson, Tommy Davidson.
My guess: Google has failed me in my attempts to figure out T-Pain’s shoe size… but the Monster is totally T-Pain, you guys. Not only does the rockin’ Monster sound like T-Pain’s above-mentioned Yahoo performance, but he also sounds like T-Pain’s recent AutoTune-free NPR Tiny Desk concert. T-Pain has also worked with Diddy, so those “puff” and “bad boy” references add up.
The Lion, “Diamond Heart”
Previous clues: She comes from a “pride of women,” “Hollywood royalty,” and “Hailey, Idaho.” And her physical clue was a scrunchie, which she described as a “family heirloom.”
This week’s clues: The Lion made references to cabaret performing, the city of Chicago, and the “Bluegrass State,” and she vowed to “build her own empire.”
Judges’ guesses: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger, Scary Spice, Hailee Steinfeld, Angela Lansbury, or someone from Destiny’s Child not named Beyoncé.
My guess: It’s not Lady Gaga, you guys. Stop guessing that — it would be way too on-the-nose (or snout) for Gaga to cover a Gaga song like “Diamond Heart,” even though the Lion sang it at nearly a Gaga level this week. This is totally Demi Moore and Bruce Willis’s daughter Rumer Willis, you guys. Rumer has played Roxie Hart in Chicago on Broadway, she has appeared on Empire, and she was born in Kentucky and raised in Hailey. Case friggin’ closed.
The Bee, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”
Previous clues: This diva has been performing since she was a little girl in the ‘50s (when she formed a group with her relatives), has dropped several references to “Georgia,” goes by the nickname “Empress,” and loves to bake.
This week’s clues: She declared that she was going to back to her roots with a song by her “very dear friend,” and she revealed that she has 10 Grammys to her credit.
Judges’ guesses: Gladys Knight, Patti LaBelle (because of a reference to a “new attitude”), Anita Baker (because of a promise to “give you the best that I’ve got”).
My guess: Those song references are just attempts to throw viewers off the Bee’s honeyed scent. This is totally Gladys Knight, you guys. For one, it sounds exactly like her; she’s not even attempting to disguise her singing voice, unlike some of the other contenders. Also, Knight is old pals with Turner; in fact, Turner was actually Knight’s first makeup artist. Knight has won seven solo Grammys and three with her childhood group the Pips, too. And all the other clues add up as well — just follow my hyperlinks.
The Rabbit, “Isn’t She Lovely”
Previous clues: It’s been obvious for a while that this is an ex-*NSYNC member (catchphrases like “it’s gonna be me,” a straitjacket straight out of the “I Drive Myself Crazy” video, a confession that he was once in a boy band). There have also been multiple references to hot dogs and magic.
This week’s clues: This bunny-boy has 17 tattoos, there was another *NSYNCian reference to “strings,” and he mentioned the “Sunshine State.”
Judges’ guesses: J.C. Chasez, Joey Fatone, Billy Ray Cyrus (he said it would break his “achy heart” if he got sent home), or Donnie Wahlberg (a “hanging tough” reference).
My guess: You guys, it’s totally the Orlando-born, copiously tattooed owner of fast food restaurant Fat One’s, Joey Fatone.
The Peacock, “Can’t Feel My Face”
Previous clues: The 176-pound Peacock “started out as a little teenybopper” and has done everything from Vegas residencies to dramatic acting. He’s also been pictured cradling a puppy and was a “dear friend” of Michael Jackson. (I wonder if the Peacock ever figured out that the Alien was Michael’s sister?) Last week’s physical clue was a long curly wig and rainbow cape that seemed straight out of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
This week’s clues: He said, “My face has been tattooed on a person’s body.” OK, then. Maybe the Rabbit has a Peacock tattoo?
Judges’ guesses: Neil Patrick Harris, Elton John (WHAT), Wayne Brady, Donny Osmond.
My guess: It’s totally Donny Osmond, you guys. Only a consistently awesome performer like Donny could pull off this week’s knee-slide across the stage.
Tune in next Wednesday as more clues — and two more masks! — are dropped on a double-elimination episode.
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